If there’s one thing guaranteed to get people talking, and then arguing, it’s a list ranking the best of all time in any chosen subject. As soon as you mention you’re compiling a list of your top ten favourite anything, you will be deafened by the incessant yelling of people telling you that you’re an idiot for not including something they like, and an even bigger idiot for including something they don’t.
“What do you mean you haven’t included Nevermind in your top ten best rock albums of all time? It’s an absolute classic. You’re an idiot.”
“Why the hell did you put Nevermind in your top five? That album sucks – it’s all hype and no substance. You’re an idiot.”
This week it was the turn of WWE to produce a list of greatness that everyone disagreed with. They dived headfirst into the firing line when they published their list of the Top 50 Best Talkers in wrestling history.
The category of ‘best talkers in wrestling history’ appears to only include people who worked in WWE after 1984. There are hardly any of the great talkers from the 50s, 60s or 70s mentioned. So straight away there were plenty of omissions for people to complain about.
Then again, given that WWE apparently invented wrestling in 1984 (before that it had been something people did in caves or at dodgy local fairs in smoke filled tents surrounded by the freaks of the day) you can understand why they don’t include guys like Mad Dog Vachon or Gorgeous George. It doesn’t mean they were right to do so, but you’ve got to remember when ‘all time’ actually starts for WWE.
The WWE list unleashed a flood of indignant and rage fuelled fans. They were quick to cry that because their favourite promo guy of all time wasn’t in the top three, the whole list was as biased as a UKIP European election broadcast and should be buried in a mine somewhere in Mexico next to a load of old Atari games. In other words: the usual knee-jerk IWC reaction to ANYTHING. Their knees must be killing them these days from all that jerking.
It’s easy and fun to mock or complain about someone else’s opinion, that’s why everyone does it. Granted, it’s difficult to argue that Stephanie McMahon should be included in the Top 50 best talkers of all time. Steph is a great talker, but is she really one of the 50 greatest of all time? No, she’s not.
There are a lot of wrestlers and a lot of years that make up ‘all time’ (even if you take it from WWE ‘inventing’ wrestling in 1984). It seems to me the law of averages would dictate there must be 50 better promo guys in all of wrestling history than Stephanie McMahon.
Then again, her company did produce the list, so you shouldn’t be surprised she’s on there. If anything her ranking (37) seems a little low considering how WWE usually do these things. I was sure she’d crack the top 10 just to piss everyone off.
Anyway, all the talk about great promos got me thinking about the state of promos in wrestling in 2014. These days TNA and WWE appear to trade ideas (blatantly steal) on a regular basis and everything they do creatively is very similar. However, in the world of promos the two companies are polar opposites.
WWE have made a concerted effort over the last ten years to remove the promo content from the wrestler delivering it and instead have promos written for them by someone else – usually a member of the creative team.
It used to be that bullet points would be given to the wrestler, who would then go out and cut a promo in their own words. That system allowed the wrestlers to put their own personality and spin on their promos, but also made sure the main talking points (match, feud, next town they’d be appearing in etc) were focused on and not forgotten.
The decision made by WWE to standardise most of their promos is another example of their need to control and micro-manage every element of their show. Even if you take a pragmatic view and consider that perhaps they decided to go this route to ensure that their wrestlers only say what’s written and therefore stick to the tight timing of live TV, it still seems like a strange decision that stifles creativity.
A huge part of what made wrestling great was hearing the wrestlers talk from the heart about the opponents they were facing or the feuds they were involved in. It lead to some of the most memorable and money making promos in wrestling history. Do you think a writer could have come up with ‘Austin 3:16’, or Dusty Rhodes’ famous ‘Hard Times’ promo? I doubt it.
Whatever the reasoning behind WWE’s decision is, it’s resulted in WWE promos becoming very samey and uninteresting. If you’ve ever watched Randal Keith Orton, eyes blank, face expressionless, reciting crappy lines he’s memorised backstage, with no emotion or conviction in his voice, you’ll know what I mean.
There’s nothing worse than a verbal exchange on WWE TV where the wrestlers spout words and phrases that no human being, who has ever conversed with another human being, would ever use. They sound like something you’d hear on a day time soap opera, written by a 10 year old, and acted out by the computer Steven Hawkins uses to communicate.
In most WWE promos, it’s painfully obvious that a writer has come up with what they think is a smart verbal volley. Then, when it’s recited by the wrestler on screen, it falls flatter than my joke about the Nun and the rubber chicken did when I was a kid at Sunday School. It’s because what works on paper, doesn’t always work on screen. As Harrison Ford once famously told George Lucas on the set of Star Wars:
“you can type this shit, George, but you sure as hell can’t say it.”
All the natural elements that go into making a memorable and effective wrestling promo have been largely forgotten in WWE. These days, with everyone using the same phrases and buzz words (WWE Universe, in this very ring, etc) the power of the promo has been weakened significantly. I can count on hand the guys in WWE today who can cut money drawing promos.
One of them is a neon colour wearing dork that most of us hate. The other is a guy with a love for tattoos and Pepsi, who may not even exist anymore. And the other is an advocate (or manager as we used to call them) whose client Brock Lesnar conquered the Undertaker’s undefeated streak at WrestleMania.
Outside of those three, the majority of the roster are stuck in robo-promo mode. None of them seem able (or perhaps brave enough) to break the mould and speak from the heart, instead of from the page. Have WWE created a fear of creativity within their roster that actually prevents them from performing a break out promo and becoming a bigger star? If they have, it’s a system they should change and quickly.
When someone like Bray Wyatt comes along (who is an exceptional talker with unique content and delivery) you quickly realise how safe, regimented and boring the majority of the promos in today’s WWE are. We need more Bray Wyatt level talkers and less Robo-Ortons and we need them soon.
One of the most annoying recent side effects of the death of the original promo in WWE has been the rise of Michael Cole – Wrestler Whisperer. Apparently Cole is the only guy in WWE who can speak to other wrestlers regularly and relay their thoughts and feelings to us. Not one episode of RAW goes by without Michael Cole uttering the immortal line:
“I was talking to (insert wrestler’s name here) earlier today and they told me (insert statement about opponent, match or feud).”
That is second only to his other favourite:
“There’s a great interview with (insert wrestler’s name here) on WWE.com and interestingly they said (insert whatever it was the wrestler said).”
Why the hell does Michael Cole have to tell us what Paige thinks about the rest of the Divas division? Why can’t Paige tell us this herself in a 30 second promo? Why do we constantly have tweets and other rubbish recited by Cole, instead of giving a wrestler a mic and half a minute of screen time to say the same thing, in their own words? It would be so much more effective and less annoying.
Over in TNA they don’t seem to have the kind of issues with promos that WWE do. While their TV show is a train wreck, that gets more nonsensical and frustrating to watch with each passing week, at least in TNA they appear to be open to the wrestlers bringing their own ideas and their own voice into their promos.
No doubt some are heavily scripted and TNA do possess one of the worst talkers in the history of wrestling in Dixie Carter (she’s not a good heel, stop kidding yourselves) but for the most part their promos appear to be more natural than in WWE. There are certainly fewer of the emotionless verbal exchanges you hear on RAW every week.
While the likes of Bully Ray, Bobby Roode and James Storm often appear to be cast adrift and remain over in spite of the creative efforts of TNA, they do have much more freedom to cut effective promos. The TNA promos actually sound like wrestling promos, and help to get their character, feud or match over much more effectively than their counterparts do in WWE.
So, what makes a good talker in wrestling? In my opinion there are a few key elements that have to come together. Now remember, I’ve never cut a wrestling promo and I’m only talking from what I know as a fan (which isn’t much). So don’t take this as any kind of hard or fast rules or an informed guide. I’m not expecting budding wrestlers to note this all down and refer to it for the rest of their careers. This is just my opinion on what I think makes a good promo. Ok? Can I get on with my stupid list now? Good, here’s what I think you need to be a great talker in wrestling:
- A full understanding of your character. This seems really simple but there are so many occasions where someone on WWE TV will say something and you instantly think, “They would never say that.” It just feels unnatural, which automatically reminds you that what they’re saying isn’t true. Steve Austin on his podcast constantly talks about “what Stone Cold would and wouldn’t do.” He doesn’t mean himself personally, he means the character he plays. Having a grasp on how your character would react in certain situations is critical to making a promo sound more realistic and heartfelt.
- Rhythm of your speech. This doesn’t mean you need to rap along to a tune. It’s about the way you speak. When Bray Wyatt talks there’s a rhythm to his speech. The intensity in his voice rises and falls, he brings the audience up and he takes them down, just as he would in a match. Jake Roberts is the perfect example of a guy who understood how important the rhythm of what he was saying was. That was in full effect during his Hall of Fame speech – which is one of the best promos you’ll hear this year.
- Tell a story and make it compelling within a short period of time. I’m looking at you Seth Rollins and your promos that have more endings than the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Every promo, just like every match, should have a beginning, middle and an end. They should tell a story, be interesting and end on a high note. Do that without dragging on for twenty minutes and you’re onto a winner.
- Put your opponent over, while also selling yourself. The other day I used the phrase ‘self-indulgent promo’ in reference to the way Hogan used to hog IMPACT and talk shit about himself for days. Someone raised the point that all promos should be self-indulgent because you’re putting yourself over. To me, that completely misses the point of a promo. The word ‘promo’ is short for promotion, not just self-promotion. A wrestling promo isn’t simply about telling the world how great you are (although that is a big part of it). It’s also about putting your opponent over as a threat and making them appear credible. Why? Well, when you beat someone credible, you get more over. If you lose to someone who is credible, it doesn’t hurt you as much as losing to someone who for weeks you’ve said is inferior to you. John Cena is probably the guiltiest of failing to put his opponents over as threats in his promos. While everything else about his promos is great, he does tend to go for the easy option and go to bad comedy, which actually hurts him and his opponent. You still need to talk about how great you are, but don’t forget about the guy you’re also supposed to be promoting. I never thought I’d say this, but if you want a good recent example of this, go back to RAW last week when Ryback was on commentary during the Usos vs. Rhodes Brothers match. He very skilfully put over how good each team was and how he knew that from experience, but he knew he and Axel were just that little bit better. That was great promo work from a guy who a year ago I wouldn’t have let within 100 feet of a live mic.
- Sound like you mean it, even if you don’t. Similar to the rhythm of your speech, this is all about delivery and not content. It’s a well-known fact that very little of what a person says is actually picked up during speeches; it’s all about how you say it. Even if the content you’ve got is total bullshit, if you deliver it with believability and intensity, people will react to it. When I hear Randy Orton go on in his monotone fashion about how much he wants to beat someone up, I never believe him because he doesn’t sound like he believes it himself.
It all seems pretty simple and straight forward but the promo is truly a lost art in today’s WWE – a lost art that the likes of Heyman, Wyatt, Cena and a few others are keeping alive.
Not that you’re interested but here’s a list of some of my favourite talkers in wrestling history: Mick Foley, Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, Terry Funk, Jake Roberts, Roddy Piper, Jim Cornette, Steve Austin, The Rock, Paul Heyman, CM Punk, Dean Ambrose and Bray Wyatt.
Well, that’s just played right into your hands, hasn’t it? I’ve gone and made a list of my favourite promo guys, so now it’s your turn to tear them down and slag me off for not including your favourite. At the end of the day, isn’t that what these lists are all about?
You can do that in the comments section below. Or drop me a line on Twitter which is @MFXDuckman and we can debate the finer points of promos, in 140 characters or less, until the cows come home.
Be sure to check out the MFX Podcast, where each week you’ll find me and my partner-in-crime Sir Ian Trumps, discussing and reviewing the week in TNA and WWE.
Also, be sure to check out as our new show MFX Unleashed which has nothing to do with wrestling and is our take on pop culture, sport, funny news stories and any other random topic that we can think of.
MFX Unleashed is posted every Sunday evening. The MFX wrestling show usually drops on a Thursday or Friday evening. Both shows are very NSFW, heavy on comedy moments and listener interaction and damn entertaining. Check the shows out here or head over to www.mfxpodcast.com and join the ever growing MFX Galaxy.
As always, thanks for reading and keep supporting everyone here on SLTD.
Until next time…
Peace
Oh yeah, here’s WWE’s Top 50 Talkers of All Time list. Feel free to rip it to bits!
#50 – Scott Steiner
#49 – ECW’s Joel Gertner
#48 – Jimmy Valiant
#47 – Zeb Colter
#46 – New Jack
#45 – The Grand Wizard of Wrestling
#44 – Brian Pillman
#43 – JBL
#42 – Thunderbolt Patterson
#41 – The Miz
#40 – Kevin Sullivan
#39 – William Regal
#38 – Tazz
#37 – Stephanie McMahon
#36 – Ernie Ladd
#35 – Kurt Angle
#34 – Bray Wyatt
#33 – “Ravishing” Rick Rude
#32 – Gary Hart
#31 – Ultimate Warrior
#30 – Michael Hayes
#29 – Nick Bockwinkel
#28 – Raven
#27 – Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura
#26 – Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler
#25 – The Million Dollar Man
#24 – Terry Funk
#23 – Shawn Michaels
#22 – Harley Race
#21 – Edge
#20 – Captain Lou Albano
#19 – Triple H
#18 – ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage
#17 – Jim Cornette
#16 – CM Punk
#15 – Arn Anderson
#14 – ‘Superstar’ Billy Graham
#13 – Mr. McMahon
#12 – John Cena
#11 – Jake ‘The Snake’ Roberts
#10 – Chris Jericho
#9 – Hulk Hogan
#8 – Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan
#7 – Mick Foley
#6 – Paul Heyman
#5 – Dusty Rhodes
#4 – Stone Cold Steve Austin
#3 – ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper
#2 – The Rock
#1 – Ric Flair
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