I want to start this week with an apology. Well, more than one really, but one big one. Last week, I said I would never claim to be able to write a wrestling show, and I was wrong.
I have always said I was a total mark, I watch wrestling to see the swerve, to see if I can guess where a story will go, to be surprised. TNA has now taken that away from me. Writing a wrestling show should be hard work. It should take skill, it should take vision, and it should take at least some originality.
After watching this weeks Impact, I have realised the only skill needed to write a wrestling show is the ability to watch Raw, write down what happened, and tippex out the names of those involved, adding the names of anyone you may have.
Fans of TNA recently reacted with outrage when others suggested that Showtime Eric Young may have become champion to cash in on the popularity of Daniel Bryan. Just because he was a bearded underdog who had to win two matches in one night, against all the odds did NOT make this story a rip off from WWE.
So we will call that a coincidence. Authority figure creates three man faction, again coincidence. Authority figure inserts himself and his faction into a main event as timekeeper, ring announcer and enforcer? Well that is original. Unfortunately, it was only original last week on Raw.
Now I totally get that the stories were slightly different, but the overall story, to have that faction interfere in a match was exactly the same.To balance things up a bit, I did notice that Raw copied something from TNA last week. That was one silent crowd.
The second apology is here. I really want to apologise for having a go at TNA again. I want to write about great matches, fantastic wrestling and great storytelling. I want to write about the great new stars TNA are bringing through, the fantastic performances, and how the crowd were really into the show. But I cannot see that happening anytime soon.
I wrote last week about what TNA could do to fix things, and this week, I want to look at some of the talent they have at their disposal,rate that talent, and suggest how that talent could be put to better use.I will do this in a top ten kinda way, starting at ten and working my way to a surprise number one. Hopefully I can highlight the strengths of the wrestlers, and come up with a way to make them look better.
This is in no way related to the fact that I have nothing else to write about this week, and have yet to see Payback, honest…
And if Dixie is reading, you probably cant afford me, I am guessing you pay your writers below minimum wage.
10.TAZ
I realise he is not a wrestler any more, but having committed to a top ten, I could only think of nine wrestlers that were worthy of a mention. Of the two man commentary team, we need one to be a heel. And not an Aces and Eights heel, but a proper heel. Talk up the bad guys, argue with Tenay, tell outright monstrous big lies.
Be outrageous. Think Bobby the Brain meets Jesse the Body. I don’t need to hear two commentators agree on anything. Deny anything Tenay says happened, because you know we all saw it happen.
9.Jeff Hardy
Jeff makes number nine on the list because of what we all know he can be, not for what he currently is. If Willow is going to be this strange alter ego, make him different. Don’t appear in backstage segments, never explain what willow is thinking. Think Sting when he started the whole ‘Crow’ gimmick. But realistically, ditch it. Willow is not a great character, and now with TNA selling masks, Tee shirts and even umbrellas, Willow looks like a gimmick created only to sell merchandise.
So bin Willow, and have Jeff join the X-division. Use him to attract X-division wrestlers, to build the division, and let Jeff be extreme in the ring, rather than outside it.
8. A-Double
Terrible nickname, wears a cape, and only has half a beard. When he first returned to TNA, Aries had some real swagger. He claimed to be the greatest man that ever lived, and annoyed everyone by winning all the time. That was brilliant, it worked well, so predictably, TNA turned him face.Then heel, then face again, heel for a week, and back to face.
Aries and Roode worked pretty well as two heels who did not really like each other, so get them back together. Throw in the Wolves and go against the current three man faction deal by having a four. Create a faction where we can have a heavyweight champ, tag champs and X champ all together. If you are going to steal storylines, steal the horsemen, they were good, and the story is more than a week old.
7. Bully Ray
I have to admit here, I am not a great fan of Bully as a singles wrestler. I also have to admit that without him, TNA would have struggled even more than they are now. Bully is way better as a heel, he was pretty much a one man faction in A&8, and carried a terrible angle for way longer than it should have lasted.He took a story that was so obviously dreadful, and had a title run that lasted about six months. That takes skill, and Bully deserves a lot of credit for that.
That being said, his accent really gets on my nerves. I know that is a small detail, but in a company where so few of the talent are allowed a mic, Bully does a lot of talking. He can however go in the ring, and although I was a bit sceptical about his ability to do it as a singles wrestler, he has made the transformation pretty well. All he really needs is to stop doing the Dudley Boys moves with other partners, and his ‘one,two,three’ before he says ‘get the tables’.
6. James Storm
James Storm is one of those guys you look at and wonder how he got to where he is. As half of two of the best tag teams TNA has ever had, Storm looked brilliant. Beer Money split, and Storm won the title from Angle, and at the time, was by TNA standards anyway, hot as hell. Then it all went wrong somewhere. He lost the belt to his ex partner, and slowly seemed to slip into the role of someone to feud with to kill time.
A return to the tag division with Gunner looks like it was used to only push Gunner, and that push lasted less time than the tag team did. as a lone heel, Storm looks lost, as part of a group, he looks fantastic. Give him someone to interact with, someone with a personality, and watch as The Cowboy returns to the top of his game. Heel or Face does not really matter, he just needs a partner in crime to bounce off.
5.Bobby Roode
At number five comes Storm’s old partner in Beer Money. Bobby Roode is one of those guys that is perfect as a heel. He comes to the ring, tells you what he is going to do, then does it. His title run was the longest in company history, and that should tell you something. His character worked well, he worked well, and people were desperate to see him lose the belt.
If it had been me, he would still be the champion today, and his reign would have lasted about three years, with Roode cheating his way to victory as often as not. Roode gave the impression that he would do anything to keep that belt, and that is probably what should have happened.
With AJ’s contract running down, Roode was a perfect fit to take the belt. A story where the belt changed hands between the two a few times, every match was too close to call, and came down to one mistake every time, culminating in a match where the loser has to leave the company.That allows Styles to leave with some credibility, and builds Roode a bit more, and would have resulted in TNA having a strong champion, who everyone could hate. Give Bobby the belt back, and let him run with it.
4. Magnus
The guy who took the belt from AJ, and probably the only guy who looks worse after winning the title.
Giving Magnus the belt was not a terrible idea, he has the look, he can go in the ring, and he can work the mic better than most. Ultimately, the timing and manner of giving him the belt has been his undoing. It obviously made sense for Magnus to be the champ just in time for a UK tour, it just should have been done in a way that actually made the guy look good.
Magnus won the belt due to interference, retained it pretty much every time due to interference, and the first time he could not rely on that interference, he lost the belt to a guy who didn’t make my top ten.And he lost it almost as soon as the UK tour was over.
Now he is stuck in a story which obviously culminates in him fighting his oldest friend Bram. We can only hope Bram manages to bring out the evil in Magnus, and TNA turn him into an unscrupulous wrestler, because the other option is Bram wins, and Magnus has nowhere to go.
Put Magnus back with Joe, bring in a tag team to join them. This gives us two opposing four man factions (if we go with the Aries/Storm/Wolves), and brings the tag team division up to three whole teams…..
And now we get to the top three……
3. Rockstar Spud
Spud has done fantastically well since winning Boot Camp. I suspect he was only really called up to the main roster of TNA due to the link with OVW hitting the skids, and a lack of money at Camp Carter, but boy has he taken his opportunity. Spud plays his character spectacularly well, his comedic timing is perfect, and he has the habit of using throwaway lines that have me laughing my socks off.
But he could be better. TNA for some reason have created that character that everyone wants to beat the crap out of, and then let everyone beat the crap out of him. Now I don’t want to call anything stupid, but that is stupid. Create the character everyone wants to kill, then never let anyone do it. that is where the money is.
Would Paul Heyman be such a draw if he was beaten up every week? Wrestling history is full of guys who people were desperate to get there hands on, and who always seemed to squirrel out of situations. Let Spud be that guy. If it was me writing TNA shows, I would have the ‘Board of Directors’ get fed up of Dixie and MVP arguing all the time, and remove both, putting Spud in charge.
Spud can then annoy everyone, the writers can continue writing crap, and it can all be explained as Spud just not really knowing what he is doing. Then when Spud has finally worked his way round the whole roster, he can be fired making it open season on Spud. Then you give him Abyss as a bodyguard.
2. Samoa Joe
When he is in the mood, Joe is probably the top guy in the company. he works well as either heel or face, and has the size and agility to carry a real threat to anyone. The only real problem is sometimes it looks like Joe gets bored.
Now that is probably understandable, given the writing team, and how he has been used in the last year or so. Joe was the obvious fourth guy in MEM, and even that was probably a push from where he was before that. He has more than enough about him to be champ again, or at least be the guy that is feuding with the champ. Having him protect a champ, which is where I think they are going right now, is a waste of a great talent.
Get that belt off EY, and give it to Roode. have a series of title matches where Roode has help to retain, until Joe forms his own faction to even the score. Create a real power struggle over the titles, not control of the wrestling operations, especially at a time when no-one would really want to claim ownership of any writing coming out of TNA. Have Roode bully the new GM Spud, trying to get the upper hand, until Joe ultimately wins the belt.
With talent heading out the door quicker than investors selling WWE shares, TNA have a top guy on a long term contract. Use him properly, get your money’s worth, and try maybe entertaining the fans.
And so we get to the number one position, and I am pretty sure not many will agree with me on this, but it is my list, and I am always right. This guy is number one for a few reasons, but mostly because I had such low expectations, and have been surpirised by…
1. Ethan Carter the Third
EC3 joined TNA almost a year ago, and from the off, his introductory skits were, in my opinion, pretty poor. The story of Dixie Carter’s nephew was one that i thought could work, just not with this guy. And I was right, to begin with anyway. EC3 has grown into the role, and teaming up with Spud has brought out the best in both of them. They work off each other well, and out of everything in TNA, this partnership is the only thing I can see that makes any real sense.
Now I understand EC3 was on NXT for quite a while before arriving at TNA, but I have never watched that show, so was seeing him without any idea of who he was, or if he was any good. TNA actually have done quite a good job, building him fairly slowly against jobbers before moving him up, but the story would count for nothing if the guy playing the part cannot convince the audience.
EC3 looks the part, his face is almost permanently set to sneer, he plays the part, abandoning Spud at the first sign of danger, and is without a doubt the most convincing thing on Impact at the moment.
Look at all the other angles, MVP bought shares that dont exist, and won control over a company in a wrestling match? That is just the same as that time I won control over Manchester United after I won a penalty shoot out against Alex Ferguson. Gunner and Samuel Shaw? Never spoken before, but now Shaw is in an asylum…
Wrestling shows have a habit of suggesting anything in the world should be decided on the outcome of a wrestling match, EC3 only really does anything for his family, or personal success. He defends Aunt D, he takes out legends to enhance his growing reputation,and he uses others to get what he wants.
That is the real beauty of EC3, he does what happens in the real world, outside of the squared circle, and that is why he is my number one. Everyone knows an EC3, everyone recognises the characteristics that make him do what he does. Compare that to Willow, or Samuel Shaw. To MVP or Tigre Uno.
Ethan Carter gets my vote because he is the most realistic character, he talks the talk, walks the walk, and generally does exactly what he is supposed to do. You want to see him lose, you want to see him meet his match, you want to see Spud desert him. You want to see him get his comeuppance.
TNA Impact is a show I watch nowadays where I dont suspend disbelief, I watch in total disbelief, at the storylines, the blatant ripping off of storylines, and the general nonsensical way matches are booked. EC3 is the exception to that, and whether it is down to him, or the writers, he is the example that should be held up of what is right in TNA.
If writers can do it for him, they can do it for anyone, If EC3 is doing it despite the writers, then the rest of the talent should too.
This article was intended to be a nice short sharp look at what is available to TNA, and to cover for the fact that I am pretty busy training for a new job while still working in my current one. With time being in pretty short supply, I have not had time to watch a lot of wrestling, or really to write about it, so a quick recap article to carry me to next week was just what the doctor ordered.
What appears to have happened is I have written the longest article ever, and have departed from my usual light hearted look, and actually put some serious thought into this. Rest assured, this will not continue. Next week, with more time on my hands I will be back to writing shorter, funnier stuff without really going into too much detail.
While you are here reading my latest masterpiece, I would of course recommend checking out all the articles on the site right now, and obviously checking out the updated predictions league table, which no doubt, I will be leading, unless I pressed the wrong button by mistake, and picked a loser.
Along with all the great articles, I would also encourage everyone to listen to SLTD radio, and the MFX podcast, both available right here, on SLTDwrestling.com. I can also recommend the comments section below, where you can try to explain why you think my list is rubbish. Thanks also to everyone involved at SLTD for creating my new banner, it is awesome.
And finally, 3000 words after I began this journey, I would like to offer everyone the chance to follow the legend that is @GrantCookDFC on twitter, where I can absolutely guarantee retweets that I find funny, and the occasional tweet from myself. Dont let my girlfriend win this war…
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