**The award season is in full swing and we here at SLTD are proud to bring you the second annual Duckman Smarky Awards. This star-studded gala event recently took place at the Premier Inn, Skegness and is one of the highlights of the wrestling awards season. While other sites will recognise the great and the good in wrestling, The Smarkies are all about celebrating the very worst in professional wrestling.
So without further ado, let’s throw it over to our master of ceremonies, the one and only Duckman, who is fired up and ready for a night of snarky high jinks and plenty of fist-fights in the car park between the award winners and those pathetic wretches who didn’t win any of these imaginary awards. Duckman, take it away!**
*CHEESY OSCARS STYLE MUSIC PLAYS*
(Duckman strides onto the tiny, wooden (and very cheap-looking) stage to a smattering of applause from the gathered wrestling personalities and bored looking Premier Inn staff. He steps up to the podium and acknowledges the crowd with a wave. His expensive looking black tuxedo screams “out of shape James Bond”, which is exactly the look he was going for.)
DM: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 2nd annual Duckman Smarky Awards.
Tonight, we come together to recognise those within the wrestling business who have gone that extra mile this year for our entertainment. We’re not talking about great matches or great promos. Tonight we honour those of you among us who have entertained us by…well, just by being you. And by ‘being you’ I mean being utterly terrible.
(Another small smattering of applause echoes around the room as Duckman looks down at his cue cards.)
DM: OK, our first award of the evening is also the one with the most ironic name, as it is named after one of the most respected technical wrestlers in the history of Japanese wrestling.
This award honours those of you who have displayed complete ineptitude in your chosen profession and left us rolling with laughter every time you step in the ring. It is, of course, The Karl Gotch, Botch of the Year Award. And the nominees are:
- The Miz – for his calf-humping figure 4 leg-lock
- Eva Marie – for anything she’s done in a wrestling ring, ever
- Wes Brisco/Garrett Bischoff – clotheslines and other basic moves
- Ryback – in general
(Wes and Garrett can be heard cheering for themselves louder than anyone else in the room. Duckman rolls his eyes and opens the envelope of destiny.)
DM: Some truly horrendous examples of wrestling there folks. OK, the winner of the Karl Gotch, Botch of the Year Award is…The Miz, for his calf-humping figure 4 leg-lock!!
(Wes and Garrett boo loudly as The Miz makes his way up to the stage to collect his award.)
THE MIZ: You know what this award is, don’t you? Come on…you know. It’s my famous catchphrase that everyone loves. That’s right…it’s AWESOME!!!
(Silence. A Premier Inn staff member yawns as Miz waits for the cheers he will never, ever hear.)
THE MIZ: Thank you, thank you. You’re too kind. I’d like to dedicate this award to Ric Flair. Can you believe they actually thought giving me Flair’s finisher would make people care about me? Amazing.
Anyway, I’m still working on perfecting the move and hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to put it on within five minutes and the right way round. Until that day, I’m going to keep humping calves, boring crowds and being less over than my retarded looking Dad who appeared on RAW that one time.
Thanks. And remember, if you hate me now, just know I’m going home tonight to do all kinds of nasty things with Maryse and you’re not. Thank you!
(Silence. Duckman walks back to the podium as The Miz tries to high 5 a Premier Inn staff member, misses and ends up falling into a large cake on the buffet table. And still no-one cares.)
DM: The Miz there everyone – a truly terrible professional wrestler. OK, time for our second award of the night. This award should really be collected by the creative teams of WWE and TNA. Unfortunately, none of them could be here tonight as they are frantically working on new and improved ways to infuriate the IWC with their terrible booking.
So instead we have to award this honour to the wrestler who was subjected to their terrible booking. It’s the Now You See Me, Now You Don’t – Crappiest Push of the Year Award. And the nominees are:
- Dolph Ziggler – I got a concussion and they forgot about me
- Damien Sandow – Money in the Bank means dick
- Curtis Axel – perfectly boring
- James Storm – they put me with Gunner, seriously…
DM: We had to really work on these nominations because the original ballot had fifteen nominations on it! They really know how to screw up a push these days. #
Anyway, the winner is…Dolph Ziggler – I got a concussion and they forgot about me!!
(The crowd applaud as Duckman waits for Dolph to collect his award. With no sign of Ziggler in the room, Duckman walks back to the podium.)
DM: Well, it appears Dolph can’t be with us tonight so I’ll have to…
(A quiet, nervous voice whispers from the left of the stage.)
ZIG: I’m over here.
(Duckman looks to his left and spots Ziggler standing off to the side of the stage, partially hidden by a pillar, which is covered in a poster advertising the Premier Inn’s famous £5.99 cooked English breakfast.)
DM: Jesus Dolph, why are you hiding over there?
ZIG: This is where they normally tell me to stand whenever I appear on RAW. Off to the side, out of sight and only to be mentioned when John Cena wants to put himself over as a nice guy.
DM: Well this isn’t RAW, this is the Smarkies and you’re among friends here. Come and accept your award.
ZIG: You sure? HHH isn’t going to shout at me for this is he?
DM: Probably, but screw it. This is your award. Come and get it.
(A very meek and nervous looking Ziggler eventually comes out from behind the pillar and walks up to the podium. Duckman whispers a few words of encouragement to him as Ziggler steps up to the podium.)
ZIG: Thank you to everyone who voted for me. I’m not used to people caring about me these days, so this is nice. I want to thank HHH and the rest of WWE’s creative team for so expertly burying me since my World Title win. Remember that? Yeah, me neither. Damn concussion.
Anyway, I can’t believe James Storm didn’t win this award. I mean I’ve had a bad year, but at least they didn’t make me tag with Gunner. And for that, I will be eternally grateful. Thank you.
(James Storm stands up and gives Ziggler a standing ovation as Gunner chews on what looks like a human ear and doesn’t appear to understand what’s going on. Storm sits back down, looks at Gunner and then begins to sob quietly into his drink. Duckman returns to the podium.)
DM: Dolph Ziggler, everyone – a man who went from the penthouse to the shithouse in two months. If there’s a lesson to be learned here, it’s don’t get a concussion and don’t be really good at your job.
OK, as someone who loves the sound of his own voice, this next award is very close to my own heart. This award is all about talking and those of you who struggle to do it. It’s the Check the Mic – Public Speaking Isn’t Really My Thing Award. And the nominees are:
- Tyson Kidd – Hey Nattie, is it OK if I speak? No? Oh…OK
- Ryback – No human on earth talks like this
- Curtis Axel – Can’t sleep? Listen to me talk
- Dixie Carter – But you know what, no one told me I had to pause
DM: Probably the strongest set of nominees so far tonight. This one could really go to any of them, but there can be only winner. And that winner is…Dixie Carter – but you know what, no one told me I had to pause!!
(The contingent of TNA wrestlers all pretend to do something else as Dixie stands up and begins blowing kisses and crying. After about 5 minutes of drama and another 3 minutes fixing her weird child-like hat, Dixie finally makes it to the podium to accept her award. The WWE contingent try to heckle her, but are soon quietened down as Gunner threatens to eat their faces if they don’t show some respect.)
DIXIE: Hey y’all. It’s me, little old Dixie Carter, the cutest, dumbest and most southern person on the planet. I’m so proud to win this award but you know what? This isn’t just about me. This is about you guys and I’ve got something special for y’all to enjoy. Y’all want some of this corn bread I baked this morning?
(Dixie hands out her corn bread and Duckman signals to her to hurry things along. Eventually she gets back to the podium.)
DIXIE: Honestly, y’all, I’m so excited and honoured to win this award, but you know what? When people ask me about my promo style, you know what I say? I say as much as I can, in as short a space of time as possible, without pausing for breath or to allow the crowd to react to what I’m saying, but you know what?
I also drop in a few phrases that make me sound really dumb and Southern, which according to TNA is basically the same thing, but you know what? I don’t care because I’m Dixie Carter, the second most powerful person in wrestling today and if I did pause for breath, I might suddenly realise how much of a fool people think I am, so I’ll just keep talking until someone comes out to interrupt me, or I run out of air and….
(Before she can finish her last long running sentence, Dixie does indeed run out of air and faints, falling off the podium and landing face first in Magnus’s crotch. The whole room instantly becomes jealous of Dixie’s sexy landing. Magnus smirks and doesn’t move a muscle. It all gets a bit awkward.)
DM: You OK Magnus? You need me to come over there and check your crotch? No? You sure? Damn it. So you’re just going to leave Dixie lying face down in your crotch? Lucky bitch. I’m sure when she comes around she’ll realise just how lucky and damn sexy that landing was.
Well, I guess we should get on with the ceremony. Seriously Magnus, you sure I can’t check your crotch for you? Fine. This next award is all about embarrassment and God knows there’s been a lot to be embarrassed about in wrestling this year. OK, the nominees for the Your Parents Talking about Sex – The Biggest Embarrassment of the Year Award are:
- Dixie Carter – Please Hulk, don’t go
- Brodus Clay – giant nip slip at TLC
- Miz’s Dad no sells his son being beaten up
- All ex-WWE stars who work for TNA constantly being asked by fans why they aren’t in wrestling anymore
DM: Well it looks like Dixie has regained consciousness, but we’re having a hard time getting her to sit up and take her face out of Magnus’ crotch. Can you blame her?
Anyway, the winner of the Your Parents Talking about Sex – The Biggest Embarrassment of the Year Award is… all ex-WWE stars who work for TNA constantly being asked by fans why they aren’t in wrestling anymore!!!
(A stunned murmur goes up from the crowd as Kurt Angle, Bully Ray and Jeff Hardy make their way to the podium.)
DM: A lot of surprise in the room at this winning the award. Dixie hanging on Hulk’s leg and begging him to stay in TNA was the bookies favourite. OK. Kurt, Bully, Jeff – the podium is yours.
(Duckman steps back as the former WWE stars all look at each other and then quickly rush to the podium and yell in unison.)
J/B/K: We’re sorry Vince, please take us back. Please! Please!! We’ll do anything. Just take us back. Please. Come on…it’s nearly WrestleMania 30. Get us out of this hell hole Vince!
(Dixie sprints up onto the stage and starts ushering them off as they continue to beg and plead with Vince McMahon to bring them back to WWE. Duckman watches on as Dixie shouts and throws cornbread at Kurt Angle who yells, “no wonder I need to drink” as Jeff Hardy and Bully Ray cry.)
DM: Wow, awkward. Well, let’s get on with the awards because we’ve only got this room for another 20 minutes before the windscreen wiper salesman Christmas party kicks off and those guys are rowdy.
Our next award is a special WWE specific award and it recognises the WWE’s specialist ability to tell a story without a beginning, middle, or end. It’s the Who Booked This Crap Award for Worst Storyline of the Year. And the nominees are:
- Big Show – poor, going to die young, fired from the company but back in one week to steal Daniel Bryan’s spot
- Alberto Del Rio – Mexican born, American made, still not over
- Kane – kidnapped by the Wyatt’s, returned as a HR Officer
- Cody Rhodes vs Damien Sandow – wait, who’s the bad guy in this again?
DM: Some terrible storylines there folks I’m sure you’ll agree. Again, we had to work tirelessly to get this list down to four from a potential eighty seven nominations.
The winner, of the Who Booked This Crap Award for Worst Angle of the Year is… Big Show – poor, going to die young, fired from the company but back in one week to steal Daniel Bryan’s spot!!
(There’s some commotion as Albert Del Rio stands up and yells, ‘fix’ before storming out of the room. Big Show lumbers his way to the podium and is about to accept the award when suddenly Kanye West appears from nowhere. He grabs the award from Big Show and runs to the podium.)
KW: That was a terrible angle and I’m gonna let you speak in a second Big Show, but everyone knows Aces and Eights was the worst angle this year. This is for you Knux, Wes, Garret, Taz, D’Von, D’Lo, Mr Anderson, Bully, Doc, Sleepy, Bashful and Jay-Z. Fuck you Taylor Swift. Peace!
(Kanye sprints off the stage as Big Show watches on.)
BS: So that’s what it feels like to have someone steal your glory.
DM: Not nice, huh?
BS: Not really. I think I owe Bryan an apology.
DM: I think you do.
(Big Show nods and slowly trudges off stage.)
DM: Well, at least someone from WWE has learnt a lesson from that terrible angle.
OK folks, it’s time for our second to last award of the evening and this award is always fun. It’s time for the LMFAO Award for Funniest Moment of the Year. And the nominees are:
- Brick Hogan – cut from TNA
- The IWC actually believing the WWE would make Daniel Bryan their top guy
- Hulk Hogan – where’s my new contract, brother?
- The look on the faces of the IWC when John Cena came back from surgery after two months
DM: Some truly hilarious moments there I’m sure you’ll all agree. And the winner is…who else could it be? It’s Hulk Hogan – where’s my new contract, brother?!
(A big cheer goes up from the Hogan table as they pick up their first award since they were named Worst Humans in Existence by the Nickelodeon Kids Awards in 2009. Hulk kisses his wife on the cheek and then kisses Brick on the mouth for thirty seconds.
He ignores Nick and as his ‘Real American’ theme plays, he soaks in the applause of the twenty people left in the room and plays up to the ‘crowd’ for longer than the rest of the awards ceremony up until this point. Eventually Hogan gets to the podium, shoves Duckman out of the way and gets on the mic.)
HH: Brothers, sisters, dudes and jacks…Thank you. I’m not a humble man, but if I was, I’m sure I’d be humbled by this award. Brothers, it’s not been a good year at the old Casa De Hogan.
First off Brick got engaged and I thought I’d never hear worse news in my life, brother. Thankfully Phil Costa Coffee got his eyes tested, realised what he’d agreed to marry and quickly sent Brick back to me in a large crate. Thanks Phil, appreciate that, brother.
Then I find out NTA have spent all their money on MMA fighters and hiring motorbikes that none of those jack-offs from Aces and Eights could actually ride. Then when I come to sign my new, multimillion dollar contract, that I just assumed I’d get because I’m Hulk Hogan, brother, I find out they can’t offer me what I wanted.
I was heartbroken. I loved working for NTA and Dianna Cartier, brother. That company was my life, jack. I’ll always be a NTA guy at heart. Even when I appear at WrestleMania 30 this year, I’ll still be thinking of NTA. Thinking of them and laughing all the way to the bank, brother!
So just remember wrestling smarks, what’cha gonna do when Hulk Hogan appears at WrestleMania 30 and ruins the show for you? Nothing, you’re gonna do nothing, because I’m Hulk Hogan and I own the wrestling world. Peace out, brothers.
(Brick and Nick are the only ones applauding as Hogan poses for another ten minutes before finally leaving the stage. Duckman shakes his head as he steps back onto the podium.)
DM: Hulk Hogan ladies and gentlemen. What a legend.
OK, time for our final award of the evening and this is the big one. While we’ve laughed at Hulk Hogan, shook our head at Big Show highjacking Daniel Bryan’s angle and felt sorry for Dolph Ziggler and his broken career, now it’s time for the main award of the evening. It’s time for the IWC’s Biggest Indignation of the Year Award.
(A half-hearted cheer of excitement goes up from the crowd.)
DM: This award has been sponsored by the mouth-breathers of various internet wrestling forums and Facebook discussion groups. While most of them just sent us pictures of AJ Lee and asked if we’d bang her, some of them did actually manage to reply to the question: what has upset you the most this year in wresting?
As you can imagine the list was long but we have narrowed it down to a final four. And the nominees are:
- CM Punk never tweets me back
- Chris Benoit is still not in the WWE Hall of Fame
- John Cena’s very existence
- People just don’t understand the business like I do
DM: A wide range of topics for the IWC to get annoyed about this year, but which one will pick up the final Snarky of the night? Here we go…and the winner of the IWC’s Biggest Indignation of the Year Award is…John Cena’s very existence!!
Unfortunately John Cena can’t be with us tonight because, well, why the hell would he come here? Thankfully, as I’m a close personal friend of John’s best friend, Josh ‘Sonic’ Matthews, I’ve been able to obtain the following statement from John:
Dear Nerds,
Sorry I can’t be with you tonight to accept this award. I’m currently lying on a massive pile of money, in my huge mansion, with Nikki Bella fulfilling my every fantasy and desire. Yep, sure does suck to be John Cena.
Maybe if I knew a few more wrestling moves my life would be as great as all of yours? I’m glad I continue to make your lives a living hell and I have to admit, my main motivation for coming back early from my elbow surgery was to see the looks on all your stupid faces and read all your bitching and crying on the internet.
Your hatred and frustration fuels me to be even cheesier, even more annoying and to sell even less than normal. Also, I don’t know if you noticed, but I’m currently positioning myself as Daniel Bryan’s best friend and eventually even you nerds will have to accept me as the totally cool guy everyone else does.
Hope you guys are looking forward to me winning the Royal Rumble, every match at WrestleMania and to continue to do things with Nikki Bella that you nerds could only dream of.
Rise Above That.
John Cena.
DM: John Cena there folks. His very existence may be the IWC’s biggest indignation of the year, but there’s no denying he knows how to write an acceptance statement. Nothing like a good bit of nerd burning to end the night. Don’t worry Wes, Garrett, I don’t mean we’re actually going to set nerds on fire, you can put that jug of water down. Idiots.
*CHEESY OSCARS MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY*
DM: Well that music means we’ve come to the end of our awards ceremony for another year. Thanks to everyone who voted in the Snarkies this year. Thanks to all our winners and commiserations to the losers but most of you should be used to losing all the time by now.
Thanks for joining us tonight fans of SLTD. Don’t forget, you can follow me on Twitter – I’m @MFXDuckman and you can always join me and my partner-in-crime, Sir Ian Trumps, for more humorous and smarktastic content, every week on the MFX Podcast. Just go to www.mfxpodcast.com for all the details.
I’m going to hit the bar with Ryback and see if Magnus fancies a game of strip poker. Thanks for watching and we’ll see you next year for another edition of Duckman’s Snarky Awards.
Until next time…
Peace
Duckman.
**This presentation of Duckman’s Smarky Awards was brought to you in association with SLTD Wrestling and MFX Podcast. Keep supporting both in 2014 and thanks for reading!**
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