What up nerds? It’s time for the latest edition of Gorilla Warfare. We’re well and truly on the road again… to WWRRRRESTLEMAAAAANIAAAA!!!
First off, an apology. There’s been no material recently because of personal circumstance. Won’t go into it, but will try to be more regular from now on.
So… A lot’s happened since we were last with you – the Royal Rumble, Cena winning the title, and the break-up of all break ups happened on Monday night. Today, in no particular order, we’ll deal with the major talking points of the last few weeks as we hurtle head first towards WrestleMania in Orlando.
John Cena wins his 16th World Championship from AJ Styles
In typical fashion, some wrestling fans lost their sh*t about Cena vanquishing Styles and ending his run as the WWE World Champion. In years gone by, I’d have been one of them. But I’ve grown up (somewhat eh Tybo?!) since then.
It’s time you, me and every wrestling fan out there just accepted it – Cena (whilst now working a reduced schedule) is still the man. Plain and simple. He has been for 15 years, and will continue to be until he’s hung up the jorts and Reebok Pumps.
Whether it’s one world title or sixteen is irrelevant – Cena has been the franchise player and worked his ass off to become the most important wrestler of his generation. He’d have gone down as one of the greatest anyway, and while there’s arguments for and against him, the fact of the matter is this – your opinion of Cena doesn’t matter. The only person whose opinion of him matters is Vince McMahon’s. Yes, Vince is crazy. Yes, Vince is out of touch. But are you REALLY surprised by that?
I mentioned before that in years gone by, I’d have lost my absolute sh*t, threw a bitch fit and said “I’m never watching again”. You’ve probably said that too. But you still watch, regardless of how bad/good it is. We’re wrestling fans. It’s a habit. So despite all the bitching about Cena equalling Ric Flair’s record, does it really matter? It’s not like it’s a shoot is it?
The match itself was phenomenal (pun intended). It’s about damn time that AJ Styles’ talent was showcased in the WWE and since his debut last year, he’s proven why he’s the best professional wrestler in the world. He’s had countless 5-star matches since last January and the match with Cena at the Rumble might just be right there at the top. You can’t appreciate just how good Styles is until you’ve seen him live. He could work a match with a banzai tree and it’d still be world class.
The fact Cena won shouldn’t surprise anyone. Styles had had the upper hand in their rivalry until the Rumble and it made perfect sense for Cena to get the win back, and here. The issue comes with what to do next, and we’ll cover that shortly.
In summary on this, what we’re trying to say is – Cena’s the man. It’s time we got a grip and f*cking accepted it. Believe that!
The Royal Rumble Match
This year’s Rumble might not have had as many surprise entrants as previous years, but it was stacked with more stars than it has been for probably about 15 years or more.
Taker, Lesnar, Goldberg, Jericho, Orton, Wyatt and many more were all involved and although most of the older stars entered later, a pattern has started to develop in these Rumbles, particularly concerning the man who has become the MVP of WWE in recent years – Chris Jericho. Hear me out.
In 2013, after a short hiatus, Jericho made a surprise return and in the Rumble match, he lasted almost 50 minutes before being eliminated by Dolph Ziggler. 3 years later, Jericho’s in the Rumble again, and lasts 51 minutes before Dean Ambrose throws him out. This year, Jericho enters at number 2 and lasts 61 minutes until Roman Reigns ended his dream.
In 3 of the last 5 Rumble matches, Jericho has been in the match for the vast majority of it – totalling 2hrs and 40 mins + – helping guide newer and less experienced performers at a WWE level through the match. Given that the Rumble is basically a 60-70 minute match, Jericho’s been in there the entire time, despite not being a “full-time” performer – a sign that he’s WWE’s go to guy. A general who can go out there, orchestrate the match and keep it flowing until his time is done.
Would I have loved Jericho to win it? Hell yeah. Would I have completely and utterly lost my sh*t? Yes. Would I have had an erection that would’ve lasted until now? Most likely. I can’t say enough about the man. He’s at the top of his game just now and if there are any guys/gals in NXT or across the world looking for someone to inspire them, Jericho should be at the very top of their list (see what I did there?).
Away from talk of erections and who may or may not excite me in a way that a man shouldn’t, let’s deal with 3 of the surprising things to come out of the Rumble.
First off, Goldberg’s quick-fire elimination of Burockkkkk LLLLLLLesssssnarrrrr in under 5 minutes. While that’s more than 3 times as long as their match at Survivor Series, few of us (if any) saw Lesnar getting eliminated that quickly. It was clear that WWE was going in the Goldberg/Lesnar Final Chapter direction at Mania before the Rumble, but it was how they were going to get there.
Lesnar could’ve had some semblance of revenge for his loss by eliminating Goldberg as soon as he came in to the ring. But that would’ve undone all the work they did in November. They could’ve eliminated each other and brawled to the back, but that would’ve taken away from what was going on in the ring.
In the end, they went with Billy-Bob Gillberg eliminating Lesnar quickly. It’s not like they did any more damage to Lesnar. He wasn’t pinned. He didn’t tap. And it puts the Beast in a can’t-lose situation come Mania. Make no mistake about it, Lesnar will win at Mania. And decisively. But the Rumble elimination was surprising.
Secondly, Roman Reigns heeling it up and eliminating the Undertaker, giving it the “this is my yard now”. Aye mate. It is. But Taker’s yard was strewn with the likes of Angle, Lesnar, Austin, Rock and HHH. Your yard has got pieces of your Wellness Policy violation in it, as well as a pretty universal hatred towards you. But that’s a story for another time.
The way he eliminated Taker, and the reaction of the crowd proves one thing – Reigns will be a phenomenal heel. And it isn’t his time to be “THE GUY”. Yet… Turn that handsome son-bitch heel, and let him go. People will lap it up and he’ll be a megastar.
Here’s the thing though – how do you do that? Well. I wouldn’t tease the possibility of Reigns vs Taker if I wasn’t gonna follow through with it. There’s only one way to turn Reigns heel. And for it to be effective. He HAS to face Taker. He HAS to win. And Taker HAS to retire.
Don’t get me wrong. I have LOVED, genuinely loved, Taker for over 25 years. But to see the shape he’s in now, physically, is sad. He was gassed to the gills in the Rumble, and must’ve only been in there for about 10 minutes. This isn’t the same Taker we’ve seen have stellar matches at Mania for the last decade. For his own sake, it’s time he rode off into the sunset and the best way to do that is to put Reigns over before he goes. Come at me!!!
Finally, we come to the winner of the whole thing. A man who gets nowhere near enough credit for how much of a sensational pro-wrestler he is – Randy Orton. He hears voices in his head you know. It’s true. His song says so.
If you’re honest with yourself, have you ever seen Randy Orton have an epically bad match? In 15 years? Nope. Didn’t think so.
Cena gets all this shit thrown at him (some of which is deserved) about “oh, he buries people”, “he never puts anyone over”, “he politicks his way to the top”. But.. Orton’s the complete opposite.
Yes, it’s been reported he’s killed the pushes of Mrrrrrrrrrr Kennnnnnnneddyyyyyyyyy… Kennnnnnnneddyyyyyyyyy and Kofi Kingston to name two, but look at all the others he’s elevated by working with them over the last few years as Orton has matured as a performer – Ziggler, Del Rio, Christian, Daniel Bryan, Sheamus and now, Bray Wyatt is getting the rub from working with Orton.
People always speak about Cena in high regard, but Orton doesn’t seem to get the same credit. He makes professional wrestling look deceptively easy, when it’s far from that. It takes charisma, athleticism, timing and all-round natural talent to be able to do it, and Orton goes under the radar. He shouldn’t. But he does.
He shouldn’t have been an outside bet to win the Rumble, but he was. However, the crowd popped HUGE for it. Not just because he eliminated Roman Reigns. The reason is because Orton’s at the stage now where pretty much regardless of what he does, or who he’s wrestling, he’s earned the respect of the fans in a way that someone like John Cena craves, or struggles to do.
The question is – where do WWE go from here? Do they go with the Wyatt/Orton split, feud, and Orton winning the world title at Mania? Or, do they go in a different direction and have Orton cost Wyatt the title at Mania before feuding with him through the summer. You’ll find the answers to all these questions and more on SmackDown between now and the beginning of April. Whatever happens, it’s going to be epic and the twists will come… from outta nowhere!!!
JERI-K…NO!!!
Sometimes, WWE strike gold without even trying to. It happened with the New Age Outlaws. It happened with the Rock and Mick Foley. It happened more recently with Kane and Daniel Bryan. And since last summer, they’ve had it in spades with Team Kevin and Chris/Team Chris and Kevin/Jeri-KO/whatever you wanna call them.
It’s very rare for two men to have as much palpable chemistry with each other like Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens do. The whole situation came about at a time when, to be honest, both men were struggling to find their feet. I can’t believe for a second that WWE thought they’d get as much mileage, or material, out of this as they have, or that it would get over to this extent.
Yes, The New Day are funny in their own way. But they’re trying to be. Team Kevin and Chris were just being general dicks. And it was funny as f*ck.
From ripping on backstage announcers (which no-one’s successfully done, or been as funny at doing, since the Rock in his prime), to Jericho managing to get “IT”, a pen and a bit of paper, “the list” and “stupid idiot” over, to Kevin Owens retaining his championship thanks to Jericho’s genius, it’s been the highlight of Raw for most of the last 9 months.
WrestleMania season is where you get all sorts of stupid rumours flying around. Stories like Koko B.Ware coming out of retirement to wrestle the Repo Man in a Repossession of a Parrot match, or Vader against Akebono in a Fattest Man Alive Eating Challenge at Axxess.
One of the rumours for this year was Jericho vs Owens at Mania. Understandable. They’re two of the best workers in the world, and the match would be fantastic. But isn’t there more juice to squeeze from this particular orange? Couldn’t they stretch it out a bit longer? Apparently not, given what happened on Monday night.
In a change from recent months, we saw Jericho delivering a genuine, heartfelt promo that even a man with a heart of stone couldn’t fail to buy into, only for Kevin Owens to turn full-blown heel again and attack Jericho! #devastating
We all know the story they’ll tell – Jericho was “dragging Owens down”, “he put him in a match with Goldberg at Fastlane” etc etc. I just feel that they could’ve gone on with this for a wee while longer before giving us the pay-off that the time and effort they’ve put into both men since the summer – Jericho vs Owens for the Universal Title.
It makes NO F*CKING SENSE to have this match for the US Championship. They’d be as well having it for a $10 Denny’s gift card for all the US Championship means now. Both guys deserve more than that. And we deserve more than that.
We’ll see what happens at Fastlane, but the smart money would be on Owens losing the title to Billy-Bob Gillberg before Billy-Bob drops it to Lesnar, who then f*cks off with the title until the summer and once again, RAW (the “flagship” show) ends up without a champion. Great huh?
That’ll do it for this week. It went on a bit longer than expected, but there was a lot to discuss! Until next time, remember, as two wise men once said “Brooklyn, Brooklyn… we’re bringin’, we’re bringin’ the hood to you…”
SLTD Wrestling's resident Scottish Nightmare. Some of my content may not be suitable for younger readers or those who are easily offended!
Recent Comments