As I write this from my secret New Year avoidance bunker in deepest, darkest Scotland, I’m feeling a slight rush of delirium sweep over me. It’s my own stupid fault. I’m currently functioning on two cream crackers and an apple. That’s all I’ve had to eat today.
Why? Well, despite my best intentions of avoiding any kind of personal improvement just because it’s New Year, I’ve sold out and joined the sanctimonious ‘let’s all get healthy’ club. I hate myself. Not as much as I hate everything in the world, but it’s still a nice chunky hatred. It’s thick and nourishing. Like a rib-eye steak, cooked to a perfect medium rare and served with a side order of triple cooked chips and….
Sorry about that, I had to stop typing due to all the drool on my keyboard. Anyway, back to this stupid diet I’ve stupidly decided to go on. The deal is you have one day on and one day off. So you get one day when you eat whatever you want, although within normal confines – you can’t go out and eat five curries. You’ve got to be sensible about it. Then the next day you can only have 500 calories, which puts your body into fasting mode. You repeat that sequence until you want to murder the world.
It’s not all bad though. I’m actually feeling pretty good and I’m keeping things in perspective. It’s not like I’m starving to death and there’s no way to get food. I only have to go one day on 500 calories. There are people in the world that would kill to get 500 calories a day.
I just have to keep reminding myself that I’m lucky to be able to decide on what days I eat and what days I don’t. A lot of people in the world don’t have that luxury. Any kind of diet is a total first world problem, which means it isn’t really a problem. It’s just something that causes slight inconvenience to spoilt, over indulged white people. A category I fit into quite nicely.
Look, I know this boring, ok? I’m boring myself. I just need to explain what’s going on, so you know why one week my writing will be all jolly and full of hope and positive messages (the days I get to eat what I want) and then the next week I’m writing in a style more akin to someone who is trying to destroy the world using only the power of complaining (the 500 calorie days).
It’s going to be a wild ride folks, which will probably only last a month before I cave in and I give up. Until that inevitable day happens, strap yourselves in and brace for impact (and I don’t mean TNA).
So, first article of 2014. I guess I should do some predictions for the year ahead. Or maybe give my suggestions for who will win the Royal Rumble. Perhaps a quick look at some potential stars for 2014 is in order. Unfortunately all those ideas have already been covered by other writers here (damn you guys) and so I’m going to have to rely on the scatter gun approach.
I’m going to blindly fire off half-baked thoughts and opinions and hope some of it is entertaining. If we all make it to the end and we’re still friends, then we can call it a success.
Right then, WWE. Guess what? Batista is coming back! Yay! It’s good to see Big Dave the wheezer back. I always loved Batista because he’s the unhealthiest looking athlete I’ve ever seen; all weird roided up veins and barely holding themselves together twitching muscles.
There was nothing more comforting to a coach potato like me than to see Batista do his ring entrance, get to the bottom of the ramp, sweating, breathing hard and then coughing like a 40-a-day smoker who works as a chimney sweep. He made me feel healthy and I’m a fucking wreck.
Batista is coming back to WWE for one last pay day and given he’s in his mid-40s, with a catalogue of serious muscle and tendon injuries that is so big it has to be divided up into separate volumes; this should realistically be his last run. Good on him. I’m glad to see him back.
I don’t care he’s been away for a few years and is now coming back because unlike some of the other part timers who come back for a pay day, Batista will be in full time and he will bring some fresh match ups to the WWE main event. Inevitably he’ll be working with the likes of Cena and Orton, but there’s great scope for him to interact with the Wyatts, Punk, Langston, Reigns and others.
Make no mistake about it, Batista is a superstar and a difference maker when it comes to ratings and PPV buys. He’s one of WWE’s true success stories of the last decade. But to take full advantage of Batista he needs to be a heel, in particular the heel role he played in the final six months of his last run in WWE.
Batista was at his most confident, relaxed and effective, when he was playing the big time Charlie superstar, who thought everyone was below him and John Cena was a moron for pandering to the kids and mum’s that make up his fan base. More of that please WWE when Big Dave returns.
Other big news recently from WWE saw Daniel Bryan join The Wyatt Family. That sentence feels so underwhelming. It shouldn’t, but it does. I think it’s because once again WWE have produced a storyline that doesn’t reflect what has been happening on TV.
Bryan was fucked by the corporate machine for months on end, with no ill effects. He was still smiling. Still ‘yessing.’ He was still plucky Daniel Bryan who put on great matches. Then all of a sudden, he does a 180 and joins the Wyatts.
I get the logic WWE are using with this. It’s just the logic doesn’t tally with what’s been shown on TV. Maybe if Bryan had shown changes in his personality, or doubts about his skills, or just shown any sign that the constant screwing he was receiving was affecting him, this move to the Wyatt side would make sense. He didn’t. Then again, WWE gave him no mic time to allow him to express those feelings. Maybe he was upset, but we never got to hear about it?
Unfortunately, WWE were more concerned with giving Big Show twenty minutes per show to cry about his failed strip mall, than developing Bryan’s character to the point that people could at least see that he was vulnerable enough to fall under Bray’s spell.
It should come as no surprise to any of you that the word coming from ‘sources inside WWE’ is that the idea of Bryan joining the Wyatts was made by Vince McMahon, at the last minute, with no real storyline or indeed conclusion worked out ahead of time.
Whether or not this angle will be a success and do anything for either Bryan or the Wyatts is unknown. As the old mantra goes when it comes to WWE, “we’ll have to wait to see where this goes.” Anyone know how to type one of those rolling eye emoticons here?
Hey, it’s not all bad. Thanks to Bryan’s new ring gear, we get to see what Duke the Dumpster Drosie would look like if a Mexican promotion did a mini version of him. Duke the Waste Paper Basket Drosie, maybe?
Ok, Wrestlemania 30 rumours and conjecture section. This is always fun. Is Hulk Hogan coming back for Wrestlemania? Probably. What about Goldberg? Only if the money is massive. How about Warrior? Depends on whether or not the Hall of Fame invite makes it to Parts Unknown.
So those three could be there, plus Batista and the man with the best contract in wrestling, Brock Lesnar. Throw in the once a year match for Undertaker, plus no doubt a match involving HHH and Wrestlemania is looking more like a Legends of Wrestling show with each passing rumour.
How come WWE are relying on bringing in old names from the past to bulk up their biggest show of the year? It’s not because they’ve done such a poor job building new stars in recent years, that they have to keep going back to previous generation’s top dogs to draw? Nah, it can’t be that…
Don’t get me wrong, I will mark out just as hard as anyone when Mania rolls around and all the big names make their appearances. There’s a time and a place for these guys to appear and it should be Wrestlemania 30. A big anniversary show like that needs some nostalgia. That said the appearances have to benefit the rest of the roster who will be carrying WWE for the rest of the year.
If you’re bringing in Hogan or putting HHH in a match, they need to put over a full time wrestler and use their star power to help increase that of others. Will that happen? I don’t know. I didn’t think I could survive one day on 500 calories and I managed it.
Maybe Hogan, Trips and the other legends will find it in their hearts to make their appearance all about helping the next generation and not stroking their own egos. Pahahahahahahahahahaha. Sorry, I couldn’t keep that pretence up but at least I’m trying to be positive. New Year, new me and all that.
Ok, TNA. I always get bored just typing those three letters because TNA’s product is so cold and uninteresting at the moment. If I have to see Kurt Angle and Bobby Roode have one more weak looking pull apart fight, I’m going to renounce wrestling as a pastime and find something new to obsess over…calorific intake maybe.
That goes twice for the Joe Park/Abyss angle – for the love of God just end this story. That shit has been going on for so long now that there are TNA fans who weren’t born when the angle first started.
Sadly even great talents like Austin Aries and Chris Sabin are caught in this worrying holding pattern of basically having the same matches, confrontations and angles every week.
It’s also pretty scary that TNA have selected Gunner as a wrestler to push in 2014. There have been plenty of untalented wrestlers down the years that have been pushed for reasons that were never made fully clear. But Gunner? Seriously? Gunner?
Ok, I get that he probably comes cheap ($5 per shot, which explains why he hates $5 Wrestling so much) and he has some cool tattoos, but is that really the main criteria we’re judging wrestlers by these days?
It must be in TNA because I can’t understand how a man who makes a bowl of cold rice pudding look charismatic, could be thought of as someone to push to the top of the promotion; especially ahead of someone like an Austin Aries or Samoa Joe – men who connect with the crowd through undeniable wrestling talent and charisma. Both of which were removed from Gunner at birth.
Gunner aside, TNA are at least making efforts to establish some new characters on IMPACT. EC3, while looking like a roided up version of the pie abuser from American Pie, is at least someone new. While we haven’t seen if he can actually work a match, TNA are doing the right thing in building his character. If only the guy could cut a promo that didn’t put half the arena to sleep.
Rockstar Spud has been a breath of fresh air on IMPACT. I’ve seen complaints that his character doesn’t make sense as he’s not actually a rock star. Have I missed something here? Wasn’t that the whole point of his character in the first place – he acted like a rock star when he wasn’t actually one?
Spud has charisma, timing and great confidence on the mic. He plays his little lapdog character to perfection, to the point that he actually makes Dixie Carter’s appearances on the show entertaining. Again, we haven’t had a chance to see him work in the ring, but that isn’t what his character is about these days. From a purely selfish national pride point of view it’s brilliant to see a UK wrestler in such a prominent role.
Speaking of which, how about Magnus everyone? TNA’s new World Champion. I have to admit, other than his ridiculous good looks and enchanting musk, I didn’t see a great deal in Magnus over the last few months. His character was really boring but he’s flourished since turning heel and shown that he can carry a segment on the mic, even if his accent does tend to veer from one continent to another, usually in the same sentence.
Whether or not TNA build around him as World Champion this year (which they should) or if this is just a way to draw more fans to the UK tour, remains to be seen. Still, it’s good to see a UK guy at the top of a US wrestling promotion and Magnus does have the talent to prosper in this role.
There’s been a lot of talk about former ROH World and Tag Team Champions, Davey Richards and Eddie Edwards coming to TNA. These are the type of signings TNA should have been making over the past four or five years: less over-the-hill former WWE stars and friends of Hogan, more young workers who can go in the ring and provide something different from what you see in WWE every week.
With Chris Hero now a free agent and other great indy talent like Adam Cole, Johnny Gargano, Kevin Steen, Michael Elgin and countless others available, TNA’s mission this year should be to rebuild their roster with the cream of the indy crop. It’s time to take some risks, spend a little money (a minor amount compared to what TNA splashed out on Hogan, Bischoff, Sting, Hardy, Angle and others) and give talented, fresh and hungry young wrestlers the chance to shine on national TV.
It looks like WWE have now had their fill of indy wrestlers and intend to build their own in their Performance Lab. TNA should strike while the iron is hot and sign some of the best indy workers around. Then again, signing for TNA could hurt their future chances of being signed by WWE. So even if TNA wanted them, they might not want to go to TNA. That’s just the position the number two promotion will always find themselves in.
By the time this article goes up, WWE will have announced the launch of their network. While not wanting to drive the hype train too fast, I think it’s safe to say that this is a big gamble by WWE that could change the course of the company forever.
I’ve rambled on enough today but it’s worth keeping in mind that with the network and WWE’s TV rights up for renewal this year, there is probably more riding on this year from a business point of view, than at any other time since the company went public. Interesting times ahead. Certainly more interesting than reading about my diet, that’s for damn sure.
Hopefully this first article of 2014 has got you hungry for more nonsense from yours truly (see what I did there?) I’d like to give a note of thanks to everyone who spent time reading my stuff last year. It’s massively appreciated and helps to inflate my already bloated ego to dangerous levels. Seriously though, thanks for the support and hopefully I can be as mildly entertaining in 2014 as I was in 2013.
Are you on Twitter? Of course you are. Who isn’t on Twitter these days? Weirdos, that’s who. So don’t be a weirdo. Get on Twitter and follow me @MFXDuckman –I can promise is tweets about wrestling, complaints about being hungry and other ultimately pointless verbiage.
Speak of pointless verbiage; why not check out the MFX Podcast? Each week Sir Ian Trumps and I traverse the week in wrestling and life in general. It’s a fun show, full of salty language, NSFW jokes, impressions and some wrestling chat.
We have two shows a week, one looking at TNA and the other covering WWE. If you’re struggling through the early days of the year, give MFX a listen and I promise it’ll brighten your day. Check the new MFX podcast page here or www.mfxpodcast.com for the latest show and all our previous shows.
As always, thanks for reading and be sure to keep supporting SLTD and all the great contributors here. There’s tons of work going on in the background to take SLTD to the next level in 2014 and you don’t want to be left behind.
Until next time…
Peace
Duckman
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