Welcome to the first in a series of articles I’ve been tasked to write by the fine folks here at SLTD. Between now and WrestleMania 30 there’s going to be three of these bad boys coming your way. Hopefully the sequels will be along the lines of Godfather 2 or Aliens and less like The Hangover 2 or Indiana Jones 4.
If you’ve read my usual nonsense, you’ll know that I rarely have any idea of what I’m going to write about. I usually just sit down and start randomly hitting keys until eventually a semi legible article magically appears.
It’s kind of like that deal with the hundred monkeys with the hundred type writers, but in this case there’s only one money and he’s using a laptop instead of a typewriter.
This month, thanks to the task at hand, everything is different, weird and scary. I’ve been asked to write about a certain subject. Not only that, I’ve been asked to write three articles on the same subject.
This is a stretch for me. I can barely put together three paragraphs about the same subject, never mind three full articles. But I’m going to give it a shot and if it’s a load of bullshit – blame George and Greg, this was their idea.
Right, enough with the clunky opening and self deprecating humour, the fuck am I writing about for the next three weeks? Only the small matter of one of the main event matches of WrestleMania 30. That’s right people, for the next three weeks Duckman is all about Brock Lesnar vs. The Undertaker!
Or to give the match its proper title, The Phenom vs. The Beast Incarnate. Or maybe it’s, The Dead Man vs. The Next Big Thing? How about, The Streak vs. The Dude who looks a lot harder than he sounds? Hey WWE, you can have that last one free of charge.
I’ve been told that when writing anything like this, you should always think about the person reading the article as if they have no clue about the subject matter. Apparently, you should assume the reader has never heard of, or even entertained the possibility that what you’re writing about actually exists.
So, for those of you who haven’t been paying attention for the last twenty odd years, here’s a quick rundown of Taker and Brock. I know, this feels like filler but it’s not…honest.
The Undertaker:
One of the greatest WWE superstars of all time. The greatest gimmick in the history of wrestling. A man who has forged a career in WWE that is unlikely to ever be matched. Multi time World Champion. One of the most instantly recognisable people in wrestling, even to those sad bastards who aren’t wrestling fans. A man who ruled the WWE locker room and the WWE ring for the best part of two decades. One of the few men who the words, ‘legend’ and ‘icon’ actually accurately describe. Undefeated at WrestleMania. Wrestles one match a year and everyone is cool with that. One of my favourite wrestlers of all time.
Brock Lesnar:
One of the most fearsome and intimidating WWE superstars of all time. An athletic freak. One of the youngest WWE Champions in history. The 2000 NCAA Division 1 amateur wrestling champion. Captured the UFC Heavyweight Title in his forth professional MMA fight and defended it twice before illness cut short his fighting career. The only man, other than Mike Tyson, to draw two ONE MILLION + BUYS PPV shows in the same year. A freak, a beast, a scary mother fucker. Came back to WWE and showed that this profession comes to him as naturally as killing animals with his bare hands. Began a new craze of throwing TV monitors at nerds at wrestling events. One of my favourite wrestlers of all time.
There. Everyone up to speed now? Cool. Ok, now that’s out the way, here are some Brock vs. Taker predictions and facts:
- Taker is going to win the match at WrestleMania 30.
- It’s going to be scary watching a guy that old being thrown around by Brock Lesnar.
- Taker’s WrestleMania 30 entrance will be bad ass and my three year old nephew will love it (he did last year when we watched WrestleMania. He was totally transfixed on the TV and yelled ‘wow’ and ‘what’s that?’ before settling down to watch Taker’s match against CM Punk. He’d ignored the show up until that point. It was awesome.)
- Taker is going to win the match at WrestleMania 30.
- Everyone wanted to see Taker vs. Sting – apart from me.
- At some point Brock Lesnar will screech like a pterodactyl on helium, who is being bum raped by another pterodactyl, who is also on helium.
- Taker is going to win the match at WrestleMania 30.
As you’ll note from the less-than-subtle comedic repetition of one point, I don’t believe Brock Lesnar will beat The Undertaker at WrestleMania 30. I don’t know anyone who actually does.
There are two things I love about WrestleMania. The first is going to my brother’s house, loading up on beer, American junk food and more beer and watching the show with him and my nephew.
The second is The Undertaker’s streak. It’s one of the few gimmicks in WWE that they have protected, promoted, enhanced and eventually lifted to true legendary status.
No one should ever end The Streak. Fuck all this talk of using it to get a younger wrestler over. There are plenty of other ways to get someone over without ruining one of the only things WWE haven’t fucked up in the last twenty years. If only one thing ever happens in WWE it should be this: The Undertaker retires undefeated at WrestleMania.
For such a unique character and performer, having a record like that – one that will never be matched and one that people will talk about forever – is the perfect way to pay tribute to one of the greatest of all time.
In an era in WWE where wins and losses mean less than they ever have before, one win still matters at WrestleMania and that’s the win The Undertaker gets every year. He can keep getting that win for as long as he wants to keep doing it.
Some people say streaks are made to be broken. Some people also say dogs can’t look up. Some people are fucking idiots.
The big question this year, and every year since WWE worked out what a unique and important gimmick they had stumbled upon with The Streak, is can WWE convince us that Undertaker’s opponent can end The Streak?
The match last year with Punk wasn’t about ending The Streak but rather seeing a heel get his ass kicked for being an asshole.
The previous four years, in matches against HBK and HHH, saw The Streak under much more obvious threat. I mean, no one actually thought the crappy Scrabble score named dudes would win, but WWE at least made it feel like, maybe, it could happen. Or that could’ve just been me. I’m not afraid to admit that deep down I’m still a huge mark for shit like this.
So what about this year? Surely with a character so utterly bad ass, intense, powerful, dangerous and legitimate as Brock Lesnar, WWE shouldn’t have too much trouble planting a few seeds of doubt in our minds. Will this year be the year The Streak ends?
No. It won’t be. But it’ll be fun watching how WWE try to convince us that it might be.
Right now we are three weeks away from WrestleMania 30. While there’s time to build some heat and some doubt in our minds that The Streak is under serious threat, at the moment it doesn’t feel like the threat level is anywhere above green.
For those of you who aren’t familiar with bullshit terrorist threat levels, green means someone bad is thinking about doing something bad, but they’re still willing to be talked out of it by a close friend or relative.
WWE have set the scene for Taker vs. Brock slowly. First off Brock killed Big Show to fuck, which fifteen years ago might have meant something, but today just means he beat up a large man with a penchant for crying on TV, who also has terrible financial management skills.
We’ve had that great contract signing on RAW, when Taker made his dramatic return and went all mafia crazy person on Brock and stabbed him through the hand with a pen. A pen? Who the fuck does this guy think he is, Joe Pesci in Casino? I’m kidding, it was bad ass.
Then we had Brock beat up Mark Henry, but in reality all anyone cared about was the fact he nearly killed someone in the front row with an errant monitor chuck.
The last couple of weeks build up have been all about promos and videos. The video package on RAW this week was one of the best WWE have ever produced. It told a great story and probably went some way to convincing a few of the more suggestible viewers that The Streak is under serious threat.
Of course, Heyman’s promos could convince Eskimos to buy ice, and he’s been as reliable and tremendous as always. But it’s going to take more than that to convince people Brock Lesnar is a true threat to The Streak. It’s about time for Brock to smash.
I know the old school mentality is to not give away too much physically before the match. You want people to pay to see that. That goes out the window because it’s WrestleMania 30. We don’t need to be convinced to buy this show because for most of us, it’s the only WWE show of the year that we’re still willing to pay for.
If WWE are going to convince the world that Brock Lesnar is the man to end The Streak, he needs to show us by beating up someone other than Mark Henry or Big Show. It’s time to turn the heat up and have Brock beat the shit out of Taker and leave him lying.
If the selling point of the match is going to be Brock could end The Streak, let’s give the people something more to think about than videos and Heyman promos. Let’s give them a visual.
He doesn’t have to kill the guy, or do anything dangerous. The desired result can be achieved in a safe and effective manner. Hell, why not just stick with Brock’s original gimmick – the arm snapping kimura?
You think The Streak was under threat from Brock before? How about facing him with one arm?
The next two weeks aren’t about Taker. It has to be all about making Brock Lesnar the scariest motherfucker on the planet. He’s half way there, but half way isn’t good enough for WrestleMania.
This year at WrestleMania, WWE’s biggest headache isn’t going to be Daniel Bryan in the Main Event or making sure Hulk Hogan remembers where he is and what the fuck he’s supposed to say. It’s going to be sowing some seeds of doubt that this year The Streak could be broken.
If they don’t do that, then the match is going to live and die on the novelty of seeing The Undertaker wrestle and while that’s cool, it’s a huge waste of Brock Lesnar and his talents and it doesn’t give us one of the main selling points of Wrestlemania – will The Streak end?
Next week I’ll bring you my difficult second album when I take an ill informed stab at booking the match itself, how I would have built it up and loads of other fantastically interesting things that I haven’t even thought of yet. I’m sure it’s going to be fine…
Be sure to check out the rest of the WrestleMania In-Depth series where Adam O’Brien and Gary Byrne will show you how to do this properly.
It wouldn’t be a Duckman article without a plug for the Marks for Xcellence Wrestling Podcast. So here it is: go listen to MFX. You can find the show here or over at www.mfxpodcast.com with our TNA show on a Monday and our RAW show going up at the end of the week.
I’ve been writing here for over a year, if I haven’t convinced you to at least sample MFX, then I’m never going to. Just do me a favour and check the show out, if you don’t like it, never speak to me again.
As always, thanks for reading.
Until next time…
Peace
Duckman
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